i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
