That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
