Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Is it penis luge time yet?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
