The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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