I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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