Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
