He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
