the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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