He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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