If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
