I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
