I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize