so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
