i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
