I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
