Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
