he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
