my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
