He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize