i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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