I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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