hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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