i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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