I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
