Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
