Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Dear god my vagina.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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