she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
A bitchslap is in order.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
