Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
