True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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