i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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