I wish my penis had an off switch
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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