Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
