Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize