One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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