last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
