I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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