i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Ketchup is God's man juice
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
