For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
