we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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