I wish I only lived at night.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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