If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
