Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
