I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
