I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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