like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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