dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
