Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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