i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
