I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize