are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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