girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Randomize
