We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
