I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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