R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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