If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
