SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
