Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
